How To Be Alone On A Friday Night

Let me start off by saying, I am NOT spending my Friday night alone. I have super cool plans doing super cool stuff with super cool people and we’re definitely going to listen to super cool music by super cool bands that you’ve never heard of. Everything I’m about to write is NOT from personal experience. I’m just guessing here, because I can only IMAGINE what people would do on a Friday night alone. I will absolutely not be eating pizza and listening to Demi Lovato.

That being said, if you do find yourself alone on a Friday night, it could be for several reasons.

1. You’re single and hate your friends.

2. You’re single and your friends hate you.

3. All your friends are actors and are therefore waitressing/bartending on a Friday night.

4. You’re not single, but your significant other has better things to do.

5. You’re not single, but your significant other annoys the crap out of you and you’d rather be home alone.

(if your reason is #5, you should probably spend the bulk of your evening trying to figure that shit out.)
First thing’s first. Gather your supplies.

YOU WILL NEED:

• wine.
• beer.
• food.
• a Netflix subscription or a heavily-loaded DVR.
• sweatpants.

Once you’ve gathered these essential items, it’s time to decide whether you actually want to be productive tonight or be a lazy piece of crap (hint: the latter one is the correct choice.)

First step, SWEATPANTS.

The comfier, the better. You want to make sure you look like a complete slob, because this is your night. No one is going to see you except maybe a food delivery guy, and possibly your dog, but mine judges me no matter what I wear, so I’ve come to accept that.

Second step, NETFLIX.

Chances are, you’ve seen mostly everything on there already, but try to find a show with more than one season or maybe that documentary that everyone saw last year but you didn’t because who the hell wants to watch a documentary when they can watch 100 episodes of Sons of Anarchy instead? (side note: great choice if you haven’t already seen it)

Next, FOOD.

Just get a lot of it because who cares? You’re home alone and no one will judge you. (again, except for my dog.)

The most important step, ALCOHOL.

Not too much though, because no one will respect you tomorrow if you get drunk on your couch and start drunk dialing people.

Finally, prop your feet up and get ready for a night of complete and total uselessness. When you start to feel yourself dozing off, make sure you put your wine/beer/klondike bar on the table. Nothing is more embarrassing than waking up covered in white zinfandel and melted chocolate. (alone)

If you chose to be productive tonight, then whatever, have fun with your homework and laundry, nerd.

Why Aren’t Taylor Swift and I Best Friends Yet??

First, watch this video:

 

I mean, RIGHT????

The comfy PJ’s, red lipstick, nerdy glasses, band members dressed as woodland creatures?

And the complete rejection of a toxic relationship??

WE’RE MEANT TO BE BESTIES!!!

Plus, T Swift really doesn’t seem to give a shit what anyone thinks and just does her own thing. I like that. I want more friends like that.

Taylor, let’s go get Starbucks and write songs publicly bashing men who have wronged us! Just let me know what day works best for you. Lattes on me.

50 Shades of This Book is Hella Dumb

So everyone has been talking about this 50 Shades of Grey book and all the girls were like, “OMG YOU HAVE TO READ IT IT’S SOOOOO GOOD!!” So, I borrowed it (from my teenage sister, mind you. Why the hell was she reading an erotic novel in the first place??) and I wasn’t through the first chapter when I realized there was no way I was going to be able to finish this book. I’m pretty sure when I was in 5th grade I could’ve written a more captivating stream of consciousness, created more interesting dialogue, and thought of more creative imagery.

The word “smirk” is used on every page. The phrase “breath hitching” is used almost as much. As is the use of the “gasp.” No one smirks, hitches their breath, or gasps that much. No one. Reading the thoughts of the main character (Anastasia Steele) is like trudging through an endless pile of slowly drying cement. She’s like an annoying teenager who just got her first boyfriend and is constantly looking for subtext in all of his emails and text messages and obsessing over whether he’s mad at her or not. I got to the point where I skipped over pages and pages of boring descriptions and dialogue and only read the sex scenes.

Yes, the sex scenes. That is just about the only part of this book that seems creative and well thought out. This is probably the only part of the book that the author even researched or spent more than half a minute writing. If you like erotic novels, I suggest only reading these parts.

Christian Grey, Anastasia’s “love interest” asks her to sign a contract which will make her be his “submissive.” In this contract, there is a list of rules she must follow that range from having to eat specific foods and work out 4 times a week all the way to kinky sex stuff. The ONE problem Ana has with the rules? The rule that says he will buy her nice clothes and she has to wear them. So, I’m gonna go ahead and call bullshit right there. There’s not a girl on this planet that won’t accept nice clothes from a billionaire. Let’s get real.

Then, there’s the dialogue. James, the author, consistently insists on the main characters using British slang even though she clearly writes that they live in the pacific northwest. There’s not a person in this country that uses the word “cheeky” (except for that one annoying friend everyone has that’s a complete Anglophile and always spells color “colour.” Screw you, man.)

The characters are completely unlikeable. Anastasia has absolutely no self-respect, and is sickeningly love struck for a guy who only wants to have a contractual BDSM relationship with her. Christian Grey is, as the book states, “50 shades of fucked up” and completely lives up to that description. And we’re supposed to believe that these two are somehow in love? I don’t think so.

But this woman is now a multi-millionaire, so what do I know?

The Dumbest Commercial Ever

So, let me get this straight:

To prove that these razors last a long time, a guy has to travel around the world for 5 weeks and shave every day?

You couldn’t do that at home? Who the hell wants to worry about shaving while on a 5 week trip? I mean, he’s dancing with school children and riding camels and seeing elephants! Who gives a shit about a little stubble?

Not to mention, that dirty water he puts the razor in? WTF?

And let’s get real, this guy looks good with a little scruff.

Can you imagine his life on this trip? He’s hiking on the side of a mountain and is all, “oh, let me get my shaving cream real quick…gotta prove this razor lasts!” What a dweeb.

And that big manly scream at the end? “I’M ON A MOUNTAIN AND MY RAZOR LASTS 5 WEEKS!!! YEAHHHHHHHH!!!!”

Why the #$@% Do I Know So Much About Snooki?

I don’t watch reality tv. I don’t watch E! or Access Hollywood or TMZ. I don’t read People Magazine or US Weekly. It’s not that I’m “too good” for that stuff, it’s that I genuinely do not care.

So how is it that I know so much about Snooki?

Of course, I watched quite a bit of the first season of The Jersey Shore. Who didn’t? It was HILARIOUS. But how is it that years later I have all this useless Snooki information somehow saved in my brain? I hate that without seeking it out, I’ve somehow learned facts about a girl I’ve never met.

Things I Know About Snooki That I Wish I Didn’t:

-She’s adopted. Ok, so that one scares me. I always thought I might adopt a child. Now, I’m not so sure.

-She’s pregnant. Poor kid.

-The baby daddy’s name is Jionni.

-The baby name choices are Lorenzo or Jionni Jr. So, either way, he’s screwed.

-Snooki “wrote” a “book” called A Shore Thing. I can only imagine what an intellectual treasure that is.

-Her real name is Nicole Polizzi

-She makes $150,000 per episode.

-She’s been arrested. Go figure.

-She’s been punched in the face. Go figure.

-She has a new show on MTV called Snooki and JWoww about the two of them living together.

Does anyone have some brain floss I can borrow?

Navigating Through Your 20’s

Does anyone know how the hell to do this?? Trillions and trillions of people have turned 20, lived another 10 years, and then kept on living. So, now that I’ve reached the very wise and mature age of 24, I find myself (probably truly for the first time) seriously thinking about my future and wondering, “WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING???”

You’re told, “You can do anything you want and be anything you want.” Okay, great! So, you want to be an actress. Fine. You pick up and move to LA and give your 200% each day while waiting tables to pay your rent. Suddenly, it’s five years later, and you know what? Maybe this isn’t cutting it anymore. Maybe the thing you want to be and the things you want to do have changed. Maybe that great idea you had before about creating brilliant, beautiful, inspiring films that change people’s minds about the world, that open them up to new cultures and inspire them to do great things, that bring burly men to tears and make the most uptight housewife laugh hysterically–maybe that idea has now sadly been replaced by the reality that you have to audition for a tampon commercial today. So, you go and you strut around a tiny casting office raving about how your new tampon makes you feel so free, and now you can suddenly play tennis and do gymnastics and your hair is bouncier, and even your boyfriend is more into you! Wait…that’s not what you were going for when you signed up for this acting shit.

Is it so wrong to change the “wants” in your life? Is it wrong to want to do lots of different things in your lifetime?

How do some people know they always wanted to be a dentist or a pharmacist or a teacher or an opthamologist and others go their whole lives never really knowing where they want to go or what they want to do next?

So, you begin to discuss your life with your friends: “Hey, friends, I’m not so sure now about this plan I’ve been following for my life. I think I might want a new plan.”

And suddenly everyone has an opinion.

“You should suck it up. Keep on trying and the payoff will be worth it.”

“Everyone hates their jobs. That’s life. I hate my job too!”

“Maybe you should move back home.”

“Maybe it’s time you found someone nice and settled down.”

“Go to grad school!”

“Move to __________. It’s great here!”

And then it starts to seem as though everyone is just as confused as you are, and wants you to do whatever it is they’re doing because it somehow validates the fact that they’re doing it in the first place.

So, here’s the big question. Is there a way to be happy, make money doing a job that you don’t hate, and at the same time, do the things in life that bring you genuine joy and help you give something back to the world?

I think yes.

And I think we all deserve to find whatever that is.